søndag den 3. januar 2010

Internships: What they say - shop hats




Company Says:

Want to have an exciting summer? Want to gain skills and knowledge that apply in the real world? Want to earn great pay and work with great people? Then (Insert company name here)'s summer intern program is for you. You will work alongside the hardworking and accomplished employees on many of our company's exciting projects. You willget hands-on experience and gain valuable knowledge about what it takes to thrive in the modern face of our industry. We will introduce you to all aspects of our operation and ensure you have a total understanding of what it takes to make a company go. Our staff is friendly and wants to give you the experience you deserve. If you are a motivated, focused and outgoing individual, then contact us for more information at Internships@(insertcompanynamehere).com.

What it really means:

Want to have an exciting summer of drinking broken only by the 5-day horror of the 40-hour work week? Want to gain skills and knowledge that will be out of date by the time you arrive in the real world? Does earning a "slave-like" wage sound like a good time? What about people who are about as fun as a cactus in the ass? Then (insert company's name here)'s summer intern program wants to sucker you in. You will work alongside the worn-out and cynical employees on many (probably none) of our company's lame-o (or nonexistent) projects. You will get hands on experience and gain valuable knowledge on how badly you want to get back to college and never want to work again. We will literally make you dread graduation day. If anything, you will become an expert at data entry and Excel, two perfect job skills for a life-long job that you will gripe about every waking moment you are not at the office.  Our industry is so behind the times that "down-sizing" has become a daily term - we just can't compete with our Asian rivals. We will take you around on the first day and introduce you to everyone in the office. From that point on you will not remember their names and they will always get your's wrong, but you'd better remember how they like their starbucks. After meeting everyone and getting a solid overview, you will be astonished that a company like ours could even continue to turn a profit. Our staff will be friendly, but we will be pissed every time we find you on that damn facebook site. Also, the only good-looking individual of the opposite sex will work in another department that you will never have to be involved in - just FYI. So, if you have completely bought our load of bull, please send us an email with your resume attached. We will get back to you in 3-5 weeks, then lose your application and resume. Don't worry, we don't really need them because so few people actually apply for this internship anymore that we take whoever sends us their email address and has a pulse. You'll understand this when you meet your other interns. Funny, they are all Art History majors too.

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